So at 0600 I wake up and that's it... I'm awake. WTF. Oh well so I guess I will make the best out of the time since I am a morning person. Nate worked last night and has school training for work all week as well so after I figured it up... he works 113 hours this week. That is almost 5 full days. His sister in law gives us shit all the time that he never goes and visits her... well he is never here to even see me...lol. Sometimes it sucks because yes I think he works a little to much which leaves me to do all the house work but then on the flip side of it I would much rather him have the drive to want to work rather than not want to work at all. As I always say... "Bring home the money honey." It is also nice because it gives me a chance to focus on my school work on my down time and get some random stuff done so when he is here I can focus on what time we do have and appreciate it.

It is starting to get chilly down here... especially in comparison to last week where it was 75 all week. I raked and mowed the lawn last week and within two days it was completely covered again... grrr that tricked my trigger. Dad always has a perfect yard when I lived at home and that is not the case here. I just want the leaves to fall off the tree so I can bag them and be done with it. They have the steps poured in front of our house and the side walk is poured as well. I think they will be done with all the loose ends this week it looks like. That will be nice finally.

So I looked at Nate's calendar and he picked up extra days to work next week so I can't push forward the surgery... go figure huh! :)

I switched my school around for the last part of the semester so I have to work today 10-5. Not that excited but I need to make a little money with surgery coming up and all. I enjoy working with my assistant manager because we get along really well and can bull shit but also get stuff done. The other two coworkers I work with slack and are not organized at all. They come in whenever they feel like it and or just do not show up unfortunately.

Well I am going to go get ready for work, clean up my messes, practice some NCLEX pediatric questions, and get going. Toodles!

Pediatrics and Surgery

Well the VIKINGS WON! Life does not get much better than that!!!! Tied for first place in the division. So everyone that gave me shit down here in IL about being a Vikings fan can kiss it. I was getting gas the other day and some college aged guy came up and asked me if I was a Viking fan. I said "yes" and he said he was too. He wanted to know where he could get the car decals for his vehicle like I had on mine. SOOOO... this just proves there are Viking fans down here.

I did clinicals in Indianapolis Friday and Saturday at the Peyton Manning Children's Hospital. I worked on the Oncology floor with children who have leukemia. It was so heart wrenching. I look forward to working in the NICU and PICU next weekend when I go back there. I may have found my nitch... Pediatrics. If everything goes really good I will try to find a job in a PICU somewhere for a couple years until I go back for my anestetist. Gosh I can't wait to graduate and start my life. I am honestly really excited for all the changes in the next year. I know everyone says cherish the time you have while you are young but I so badly want to get on a floor and make a difference. I want time to fast foward so I can get by Nursing degree and get out of school but I also want time to stand still so I can enjoy the time I have with Nate. Knowing I will move when I get done with school may distance us two and it scares me a little since he is the greatest guy I have met. I do not question whether or not we can do the distance thing but I just do not want to. I can only hope things will fall into place and he will be able to come with me.

So surgery is in just over two weeks. Wow time has flown by. Where has the last four weeks gone to? School is winding down as well so it is getting into crunch time. I have actually been thinking about trying to move the surgery up to next week since I will be done with school on Tuesday of next week and will not have school again for two weeks. Otherwise, right after surgery I will be cramming for two major tests and I think it may affect me in a negative demeanor. I will keep you posted.

Blah

So I was pretty excited when I got my period last night for the first time in two months. Finally... no more stressing of preggers or not. BUT I do not miss the emotions that go with it. Today I am emotional and have no idea where my emotions are at. I can not tell if I like someone or can not stand someone.... if I want to talk to others or just be left alone... my emotions are a ever revolving door today and I can't figure out how to get out. Maybe it is just because of the dreary day that I am in one of my moods.

I find myself today feeling dependent.... yep I said it ... dependent. I am scared to death of this and wanting to back off and go my own way. Do I have a commitment problem? Is it just that I am emotional today? Am I just scared of that all around and for me that is going too far so I need to back off and put up a boundary to feel safe? So many emotions are going through my head but I do not want to be irrational. I love being independent and this whole "dependent" thing is foreign to me. I find myself scared of getting hurt for some reason. For so long I was in a relationship and I know I would be just fine if things did not work out. It would not have been that big of a deal... but I am really freaked that those thoughts have changed. I guess take it day by day and go from there.

Tanya thank you for posting pictures

Belated Birthday Present

So Nate finally gave me my birthday present this last weekend. He surprised with the best birthday present a girl could ask for. Tanya, Hunter, and Heidi came down and visited me. They got here Saturday morning and just let an hour ago. I had so much fun and miss them so much. Hunter's hair is growing so much but she is definetely going through the terrible two phase. Saturday we went to the "Paw" for a bags tournament that Nate was putting on with the Fire Department to help raise money for the MDA. We went out that night as well. I had so much fun and wished the night would not have ended. Overall it was just a relaxing weekend. I can't wait for the next 6 weeks to go by so I can fly home and see everyone.

For the last month the blog website has not been working. I have tried to post a couple times on here and it wont let me. The blogs I look at had not changed either. Now today I pull them up to try again and all the blogs posted from the last month popped up. What the heck. Oh well... time to study... I have two careplans, two tests, clinicals, and a presentation due tomorrow so I need to get going.

Odds n Ends

Hmm, so I am not sure how long it has been since I wrote on this thing but my life has been busy and chaotic lately.



I have been to the doctor a couple times for various things. Wel back in Jan/Feb I was taking a left turn with my left arm and it popped. I was put in a sling for five days and they thought it would be fine and heal. Now it is October and it is still hurting. Come to find out after an MRI that I have a tissue damage, my shoulder moves too much, and possible rotator cuff injury that I need surgery. I have it the day before Thanksgiving so that it will give me enough time to heal and be ready for the spring semester. I will be in a sling for 6 weeks and possibly up to 9 weeks. I will have physical therapy afterward.



School has also been really busy. Since I am having surgery, I have to finish the semester out early so what I am supposed to be doing in 7 weeks is now being combined down into four weeks. It is stressful but feels good to be getting shit done.



Things with Nate an I are going good. 8 months as of yesterday and time flies by. I have been stressed and cranky lately and he has been really patient and caring with me. I hate it that women have this 28 day cycle and that we get hormonal from it. Just when we become "normal" from bleeding for seven days, we go through all the darn hormonal emotions again a week before the bleeding. I would really like to see a guy go through it sometime and see what they think of it. The last couple days I have been going through the prementrual emotions and I can not even describe them. Nate will ask me what is wrong and the only thing I can say is, I feel like I could cry and emotional but I honestly can not even figure out the emotions myself. How do I expect him to understand. Oh well, life moves on, he is great about it, and that is all I can ask for.



Went to Nashville the last weekend in September for the Viking game and the first weekend in October for the Auburn game. It was about a 5 hour drive from here but I loved it. When Nate and I went to the Viking game we went down town for a night and it was crazy. It was busier than MSP/ST. Paul. Went to Coyote Ugly and a couple other bars. I really like that town. Nate showed me around a little bit since he used to be stationed nearby when in the Army.



Well today is my productive day to get shit done. Write a paper, two care plans, another journal, and hopefully some reading. We will see how far I get.

Frusterated

So I am away from home, all the muscles in my body hurts, my back and neck hurts, I miss my family, I have a test tomorrow, and Nate and I seem to be butting heads. It is so frusterating between Nate and I because we can't even pin point why we are butting heads. Maybe because I am not feeling good I have no sense of humor or maybe he has something on his mind bothering him... I don't know but I wish we could get on the same page. We don't argue... but there is an unspoken tension between us and even when we try to talk about it we still do not know why. I am just keeping myself in my room and trying to give us space. I don't know what to do. I am not used to an unspoken tension. I am have only ever dealt with verbalized tension so this is really new to me when it comes to a significant other. It is kind of a lonely feeling. Maybe because I have not been feeling good and just want to be nurtured is playing a role in this whole thing. Sometimes I miss those overwhelming feelings one gets in the beginning of a relationship between two people. Does this mean we are over the honeymoon phase? Good lord I hope not. It seems way to soon for that. I miss my family so much right now and it just makes everything that much worse. I don't go home and see family til December, which is the longest I have went without seeing family and friends.

Mono

I have mono! BLAH! This sucks...but explains a few things

HW

So I just got assigned 43 chapters to read and a paper to write...does that explain why I have not blogged lately!

Invisible

Remember when you were younger and were told about all the horror stories that happen to people but think you are invisible and it can not happen to you? Well I do but I have recently woken up and come to reality. Two weeks ago I was watching TV and saw Christina Applegates story about breast cancer, her battle, and how she beat it. It gave me the idea to do a self breast exam. Now I never did these on a regular basis growing up even though we were informed to but something told me to do it, to do a self breast exam just to be safe. I started with the right ... all clear nothing. Then I went to the left. Sure enough I find a lump. Now I kept thinking I have my period and it will go away. It will be fine. Then I checked a week later... after I was done menstrating and it was still there. I checked again a few days ago putting me smack dab in the middle of my menstruation cycle and it is still there. Now this got me thinking, "okay time to do something. Apparently this is not just going to go down as my hormones do." I made a dr appt today and had a doctor check it. She feels the left and then asks to feel the right. Feels the left and then back to the right. She sits me up and looks at me and says. "I don't feel one lump" (at this time I am thinking fhew... good... it was my imagination) She continues by saying "I feel three." Three... are you crapping me I am thinking. Good golly. Just what I need to be dealing with right now. Then I think back and remember Christina Applegates strength and think to myself ... "Okay, I can do this. Lets not get worked up yet because we don't know for sure what it is." I am trying to keep a positive outlook on things right now but there is definitely weighing a lot on my mind.

I have definitely been tested by various events over the last year. I have only became strong because of it all but I have to admit, I am ready for a mental break from this all. I can only pray that it will not be anything serious. On September 3rd I have an ultrasound so they can see what it is that is in there.

For anyone who reads this, please do not repeat it to others, ... this is a way for me to vent and get stuff off my chest but would rather not have the whole world know through gossip.

On a positive note, I get to head toward home tomorrow to be with family... that could not have come at a better time! I am determined to have fun and not let this slow me down!

Long time no talk

Almost a month since I wrote in this thing so I figured it was time to update now that I have a little time. I finished my summer classes and have had the last three weeks off now. I work when ever I get the chance to. Nate and I went camping at Shawnee National Forest in the Southern tip of Illinois. We roughed it for the first part of our trip and took all of our stuff on our backs. My pack I carried was 55 pounds. That may not seem like a whole lot but for a 138lb girl, it adds up. I tried to wear the weight on my hips and ended up with some bruising and being very sore. It was an amazing trip and I would do it all again in a heart beat. We camped at a place called Garden of the Gods. It had some amazing views and definitely look back to going there again some time. On the Sunday that we were going to come back, we took a road trip to Kentucky and Tenneessee. Nate showed me where Fort Campbell was. This was where he was stationed when he was in the army.

Last weekend Nate and I went to the wedding reception of one of his fellow fireman coworkers. It was nice and relaxing to have a date with Nate and just relax with friends. We went out to the bars after for a drink and went home. We are both pretty laid back. I wonder if he is turning me into an old woman already. Am I to young to be an old woman?!

On the 18th Nate and I celebrated our 6 month anniversary. It seems like just last month we moved into the house. 6 months is so long for us two but is still really short compared to the other relationships I have been. Us taking our time has really been good and things have been going really good between us. We have had a couple discussions but it is good for us. For the first time I can discuss something with an "adult" instead of ignoring the problem and hoping it will go away like I have had to do in the past. Nate got me a bouquet of red/pink roses and a card. We then went to the drive in movie and saw the new Batman movie. We officially said "I love you" to each other. I had to say it first because he was too timid. Man I tell ya, I have to make the move on him for every step of our relationship. I am truely happy and that is all I can say. That is what is important to me and nothing else matters.

Today I took Nate to the airport. We were up at 5 am and off to St. Louis. He is working in Montana this week teaching a high ropes training course... all expenses paid. So I am home by myself for the next couple days.

On Tuesday I start school. I have two back to back classes and then I will leave and drive to Madison for the night. Wednesday I will drive home from there. Oh so excited to see everyone. Well enough for now, time to continue packing...

Court, School, and More

So I had court on Monday and I won my case. I did not get all the money I was hoping for but I am happy with the outcome overall. Everything going on with the bugs has really challenged me and what I am capable of. I proved to myself that even when life gets really tough, I can still stay strong and fight for what I believe. I did not give up when I felt as if everything was hopeless, rather turned to family for some strength and got through it. Just as my title of this blog says, Strength, Determinence, and Persevere... that is exactly what I did. I can not remember having to face something so tough while I have been on my own.

Anyways, I finished two of my three summer classes, Patho and Geronotology. I got an A in Gero and I am awaiting the grade in Patho. Monday will be the last day of my other class, English, but I have to write 3 papers by then. Nothing like being swamped with hw and working 33 hrs during that time frame as well. Balancing my time will be key. I am hoping Abby and Nate will be able to review and edit my ten page paper somewhat so I can focus on my other two and get those finished.

So as ridiculous as it sound, I have already been making a list of everything I need to do in the next three weeks after school gets out. It is absolutely ridiculous! I can not believe how much stuff I have to do and work full time on any days that I have. My life is so busy now with everything going on, how does one have time to have children, be a wife and everything else. I honestly have zero clue how my sister does it being a single mother and she wants to have more children... husband or not!!! WTF!!! Don't get me wrong, I am happy for her but she must be some type of super woman because I am overwhelmed with out children.

Court and More

Well it has been almost a month since I blogged but life has been so busy. I tried to blog a couple weeks ago right after I got back from MN but when all was said and done, it deleted everything some how. I said screw it and did not want to retype it at all. Well the next big things in my life include court on Monday! I am so nervous that it is not even funny. I have Brian coming down on Sunday and tomorrow I find out if Travis will be down to testify. On top of trying to meet with my lawyer to make sure I have all my T's crossed and I's dotted, I am in the last two weeks of school for my three summer classes so I have finals going on right now as well. My lawyer thinks I can represent myself in court because I seem to be on top of everything and he recommends that I ask for more than what I have originally asked for. He asked me to addend the original report and ask for 8-10,000 instead of $4,000. The judge can always give me less than what I ask for but he can not give me more. I am trying to stay level headed about everything but I do not feel like I am doing a good job.

School seems to be going good for me. I can fail my Patho final and still pass the class... that is reassuring since I may not have a whole lot of time to study for this one. In English I got a 96/100 on my essay and his response insinuated that he really enjoyed reading it. I have another one due this Sunday, a Gerontology assignment due Monday, two quizzed due, a ten page paper due in a week, a final test on Wednesday and anything else that may pop up in the middle some where.

Mihnie gets declawed in the front and back tomorrow. I am so nervous bringing her there. I hate the idea that I am bringing my little girl to a place that will hurt her. It does not exactly sit well with me. I cried my eyes out when I brought Goldie in to get this done. Mihnie is also getting fixed tomorrow. Triple wammy! Enough of this ... time to get back to work...

Parents Weekend

So my parents came to visit me this weekend. It was so nice to see them and actually get the chance to spend quality time with them. They got see what the house looks like now that we have finished a good chunk of it for now and they also got to see what my life is like down here. It was relaxing but busy. Saturday they got here at 12:45 pm... just as we were finishing up the house. We went out to eat at the Alamo and I treated them for their anniversary and Dad's birthday. Sunday we had a lunch get together at the park for everyone who has helped me since I have moved down here. There was 12 of us and it was nice to see everyone and have everyone finally meet my parents. Sunday evening we drove around Charleston and showed them the town. Today we drove to Mattoon and I showed them my work, my old apartment, and a few other places. In the afternoon I brought them to Nate's fire station and he gave them the grand tour. Mom loved it. She was so cute and curious... Just like a little kid. They were genuinely interested in what Nate's job was like.


Back of the ambulance...where Nate hits on the old ladies!

Fire truck

Mom in the firetruck

Nate teaching dad stuff about the engine

This is a camera that can detect heat ... that is mom's face on the camera screen. Creepy!

Mom trying on an air pack... she was nervous because she was struggling with breathing

Trying on Nate's jacket... what is that hand doing between her legs?!?!?
She looks pretty slutty in this picture! Don't worry... we told her!

I hate to see them leave tomorrow morning at 5 am but I know I have studying to do and they have stuff they need to get done as well. Hopefully they will be able to make it down again. Nate was a gentleman and agreed to give up the master bedroom for them when they came so they had a huge bedroom and the attached bathroom all to themselves. What a nice guy he is! Mom and dad think he is great and have a lot of respect for what he does with his life. It is nice to see they all get along so well and my parents approve of him!

Hopefully Tanya and Hunter will be able to come down sometime soon and see me as well! Hunter might like the fire truck?!?! I get to see them next week for She Woman and I am extremly excited. I am all packed and mom and dad are bringing my suit case back home tomorrow so I don't have to carry it on the plane with me on the way there... lighter load!

Awkward!

For the first time since being down here I have felt completely uncomfortable in my own place of dwelling. Nate's entire family came over tonight to help put the house together before my parents came down to visit. They were painting, mudding... you name it... they were doing it. I appreciate their help so much and they got so much done for us but I felt as if I was someone from the outside looking in; not welcome. If I was in the presence of certain family members I got the cold shoulder. I felt alone, shunned, disappointed, and upset. A whirlwind of emotions hit me that I have not had to deal with in a long time and I just shut myself down... became quiet and stayed in my own little corner of the house... daring not to get in the way of anyone. Since I am taking a full load this summer (9 credits ... 6 credits is considered full time) and have a huge test on Wednesday, I informed Nate that I would not be able to sit and work on the house... I needed to study for my exam coming up. I expressed concern to him that his family would be upset with me that they were over here painting since Nate asked for their help, and here I am sitting in the bedroom studying for an exam. I mean, the whole point of having everyone over to get the house done is to try and have the house presentable for my parents. Yes, they were doing so much to help meet a deadline for my family. With not seeing me contribute to the construction being done, I can understand where they are coming from. On the other hand though, I thought they would be more understanding of my circumstance and supportive of my studies.

Anywho, enough of this, I am going to take a bath and read another chapter for my test... never caught up and done with everything in the classroom... less then one year left and I will have my BSN... can't wait!

So let me clarify something in my last blog... I have never had a bladder infection... only a yeast infection. Thanks Tanya for correcting me. Anywho, the update for the dang bladder infection... they put me on Macrobid and I started to feel better the first day and the second... then the third day I start to get the sensation back... I can feel the constant urge to go but really can't go. All day, my great toe on my right foot had been hurting. I honestly thought I had gout. I call the doctor the fourth day and I go in for more testing to rule out anything else it could possibly be. She decided that I needed to switch to a different antibiotic because I was not responding to Macrobid. They put me on Cipro and I went home. That day I had been cramping really bad in my legs and my feet were numb off and on. If they were not numb, then they were hurting and cramping really bad. The way I could describe the pain is if someone stripped all the skin off of my leg and laid it back on (just like you lay new grass on the ground). Weird but that is what kept coming to mind. That night I was in so much pain that I was in bed by 730. I felt my throat swell up a couple times through out the day. I started reading the side effects of macro because I had not started my first dose of Cipro until later that night. I found out that muscle cramping, peripheral neuropathy, and respiratory compromise were all side effects of the Macrobid. Nate called the hospital to find out if I needed to be addressed immediately or wait it out a little bit since I was no longer going to be taking the medication. He told Nate not to bring me in yet as long at my vitals were stable (they were). The next morning I felt alot better but it definitely scared me.

So our house is in a bigger mess than before. Our kitchen is getting painted, my bedroom is gutted to plaster, basement gutted, and living-room getting knock down on it... we live out of our bedroom and bathroom currently... can't wait til Friday when everything will be done... just in time for mom and dad to get here. No pressure for the house to be spotless for them! Nate and I got a BIG trampoline the other day so I am waiting for him to put that up for me to lay outside on and just be a kid every now and then. His nephew is over every once in a while as well so he can play on it. Hopefully Hunter will one day as well! Well time for more hw... mwah!

Tanya, I can not figure out how to comment on other people's blogs... :(

bladder infection

So I all of sudden felt it... it was coming... slowly creeping its way down the tube.... whether or not I wanted to accept it, I knew this time it was different. Yep I am pretty sure I have a bladder infection. I have had UTI's in the past but never a bladder infection. Eeks... this sucks. I am as awake as can be and it is 5 am. Grrr. I know my sister and mom have a history of this but not me. I sent an email to my professor who has her own business (physician) and I am hoping she can help me instead of me having to go to the emergency room.

This is horrible timing considering I am leaving Thursday evening to go to Shawnee National Park in the southern tip of IL to go camping all weekend. I will be backpacking through the woods for 2-3 nights and not living out of a camper with a kitchen, living area, bathroom, and bedroom. Yep... my bathroom is a hole in the ground, my kitchen is in the wilderness on a campfire, my livingroom, and my bedroom is a 6 by 6 tent... yes dramatic... I just hope Nate will scare away all the lions and tigers and bears... OH MY! Well enough of that for right now... I have nothing better to do so I might as well get ready for work

Court, Leakage, school, and admirers

So I had court last week for the bed bug issue and my old landlord plead not guilty to the charges so now we go to trial on July 28th. Pretty nervous about it all but everything happens for a reason... so it will all work out.

Also, last week Charleston/Mattoon got hit with some really bad weather. I was working at Sherwin Williams in Mattoon when one of the bed storms came through town. I was working and all of a sudden the sky got dark. All of my employees were out putzing around (when really they were supposed to be at the store working) so I was there by myself. The tornado sirens go off and sure enough... they were legit. There was a tornado that touched down 1/2 mile to a mile away from my place of employment (about the distance from Mom and dads house to my old day care lady, Marilyn). Scared the crap out of me and my employees came back half way through the storm and were just laughing at me. Come to find out the next day in the paper that the tornado took out a business and destroyed at least 8 cars at the car dealership and damaged many other. Well anyway... with all the rain he had, we got water in the basement. I don't mean one little trickle ... but rather from all angles of the house except one corner. Spent all day Saturday cleaning up down in the basement and trying to dry stuff up. We have some mud in the basement we need to get up now as well. Nate took personal leave time from work to get everything out of the basement, remove the carpet, padding, and wood frame for the floor. He also started removing the drywall down there to check the foundation of the house. He will be digging on the outside around the foundation as well. Oh happy.. happy.. joy ... joy. Believe it or not... he has not been crabby. I was expecting him to be ornery and cranky because of how much of a hassle this is and how time consuming it is but he definitely has been in a decent mood. I AM NOT COMPLAINING! Happy to see that when the times get tough he stays composed. Glad one of us does because when things get stressful enough for me... I just cry. Yep... just looking at me wrong makes me ready to break down in tears... that or I make a big announcement that I am cranky and just leave me be for the time.

Summer school is going good. I had my first test in Patho and I got a B!!!!! Definitely excited about that. Geriatrics is going well for me as well. That is such an easy slack class, but Patho makes up for it by being the opposite extreme. I signed up for my English 2 class and Lakeland College in Mattoon today as well. So now I will be taking 9 credits this summer. Keep in mind, 6 credits in the summer is considered full time.

So last week I was visiting Nate at work and some guy that had seen me working at SW saw my car there so they sat there and waited for me to leave the fire station and followed me. I was going to the Vet to bring Mihnie in for her check up appointment and he followed me there as well. (thank goodness I was not going home or he would have found where I lived) He pulled up behind my car in the vet parking lot (blocking me in so I couldn't leave) and said he saw my car and so he wanted to talk. He also commented on how he has been to my place of employment on two different occasions looking for me. We wanted to know if I was a firefighter and worked there as well. He then asked me out to dinner. Of course I said no and then swiftly went inside the Vet to get Mihnie to her appointment and away from him. He creeped me out completely and I ended up having nightmares about it for the next few nights. I told Nate about the event right away and he has some friends that are police officers and had them drive past our house through out the night (since Nate had to work that night and would not be home with me). I had every curtain pulled and definitely became guarded. I am constantly watching for this guys truck constantly when I am on the road. That is the second guy who has followed me since i have been in Charleston. About a month ago I had a guy follow me to work and decided to buy over $2000.00 in paint. He also proceeded to tell my boss that the only reason he was here was because he was me driving and was really attractive (or something to that affect). He was in at the end of last week and I talked to him face to face for the first time. He asked me to dinner two times while I waited on him and of course I said no... but dang... what is up with these IL guys. They are doing a good job at scaring me. I am just trying not to show it or look (appear) vulnerable.

Well time to get back to more hw. Have a good night everyone!

Songs!

Abby sent me this song... never heard it before it is good...

Your finger tips across my skin
The palm trees swaying in the wind
In my tears

You sang me Spanish lullaby’s
The sweetest silence in your eyes
Clever trick

I never wanna see you unhappy
I thought you want the same, for me
Good-bye almost lover
Good-bye hopeless dream
I am trying not to think about you
Can’t you just let me be
So long my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
Shoulda known you would of bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do

We talked along a crowded street
You took my hand and dazzled me
Images

And when you left you kissed my lips
You told me you would never forget these images
Ooo
I never wanna see you unhappy
I thought you want the same, for me
Good-bye my almost lover
Good-bye my hopeless dream
I am trying not to think about you
Can’t you just let me be
So long my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
Shoulda known you would of bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do

I can not go to the ocean
I can not drive the streets at night
I can not wake up in the morning
Without you on my mind

So your gone and I’m haunted
I bet you are just fine
To unmake it there and
easy for you to walk in and out of my life

I never wanna see you unhappy
I thought you want the same, for me
Good-bye my almost lover
Good-bye my hopeless dream
I am trying not to think about you
Can’t you just let me be
So long my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
Shoulda known you would of bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do





The other song I heard recently is...

Roots Before Branches

There’s so many things to do and say
But I can’t seem to find the way
But I want to know how
I know I meant for something else
But first I got to find myself
But I don’t know how

oo Why, do I reach for the stars
When I don’t have wings
To carry me that far

Chorus
I gotto have roots, before branches
And know who I am, before I know who I wanna be
And faith to take chances
To live like I see,
A place in this world for me

Something I want to feel
And forget the pain is real
Put my head in the clouds
ooo I start to run and then fall
Thinking I can get it all
without my feet on the ground
There's always a seed
Before there's a rose
The More that it rains
The more I will grow

Chorus

I gotto have roots, before branches
And know who I am, before I know who I wanna be
And faith to take chances
To live like I see,
A place in this world for me

Whatever comes I know how to take it
learn to be strong and not have to fake it
Oooo you understand it oooo
When you come and do it best
come and leave in the west
But I'll still be standing
Ooo Ill be standing if I have roots before branches
To know who I am, before I know who I wanna be
And faith to take chances
To live like I see,
A place in this world for me

:)

Good News

Every time I turn around another one of my friends is dating another guy or going to start dating a guy and now two of my really good friends say "I think he is the one." Don't get me wrong, I am EXTREMELY happy for them but it just makes me realize that I am definitely in that age where everyone gets hitched and/or is having babies. K, well I am out of the loop for both (which I am okay with) but it really makes me feel old. If all goes well for one then she thinks there will be a wedding next year and for the other... well lets just wait and see how things go.

Nate I am to relay a message to you...

Abadabber (7:03:15 PM): does nate use any online talking?
Abadabber (7:03:20 PM): aim?
LiNnEr828 (7:04:35 PM): no... only when he is on facebook...there is a talking thing that he does
Abadabber (7:04:47 PM): geeeez. tell him to get with it and stop being so old
LiNnEr828 (7:05:28 PM): you tell him

Anyways back to my good news... checked my transcript for LCNEIU and found out I did not calculate my GPA for school... I have an OVERALL GPA of 3.6 and not a 3.4!!!! I am so happy! It dropped a little bit a year and a half ago and I have recovered!!! That completely just made my day!

Lost and Found

Found the dog. I had to shock him for about 3-4 seconds straight and then he came running back. I felt horrible for doing it but would have felt even worse if I didn't have him here when Steph and Kyle got back. Layed outside for 3-4 hours today. Got a little crispy but I should be okay. It would have been so nice to have a pool to lay in while I was tanning but oh well... maybe in July when I come back up here for the 4th of July. I am actually hoping to convince Nate we should get a pool for the backyard. Dropped a hint about it last night but he didn't seem convinced. My theory is... he will get to see me in a bikini more often.... :) Maybe that will give him so incentive. Hmm... maybe I will try that. Well just got done taking a shower so I better go finish getting cleaned up. Might go into town tonight and do a little shopping. Sounds good to me!

Lost DOg

So I am dog sitting right now and I cannot find Porthos, he even has a shock collar on and he is not coming... Steph and Kyle told me last weekend that he will come back so I am going to wait an hour and if he doesnt come then I will have to start making some phone calls.. grr... I knew there was a reason why I don't dog sit... I hope he comes back. Lets just pray about now...

Off to a Bad Start

So only 6 hours after I get here, I went to grab something out of the fridge and a steak fell on the ground... Porthos ate the WHOLE THING!!! WTF and he was not giving it back. I am hopping in bed for the night and will be upset if he craps all over in my room or even worse... on me... Oh I hope not. Man I need to be trained in how to deal with a dog... the darn thing definitely has the upper hand... I am just trying not to show it....

Nate thanks for answer my question and I hope you are right! Good luck with fighting your fire that you got called in on! Be safe!

Night everyone!

Dog Sitting

So this weekend I am dog sitting in Peoria, IL for Steph and Kyle. I was scared crapless on my way here because we had a huge storm go through (tornado warning, 20 degree temperature drop in a 20 minutes, and POURING rain) and I could not see the road for the life of me. I wonder what my blood pressure was at that point. Needless to say I got here safe! It made me think of the time it was pouring back home and my sister wiped out on highway 61 and ended up in oncoming traffic back when she owned her black cavalier. EEEKKSSS.

I have never been a dog person so this should be interesting. I spent last weekend with him(Porthos) so he is used to me and I am warming up to him. This should be a good weekend for me to lay outside and tan my pasty tush while studying hard core for 4 tests I have next week. I aced my first test in Gerontology and hope to continue the pattern.

I got an email today. Decatur is starting a nurse externship (student nurse) on June 23rd and having people apply right now. I am going to apply for that and hope that I can get my foot in the door there. I know it is a little bit of a drive but it is a good experience to have. I will not work at SW as much even if I don't get paid for the externship. Money is only a number but skills are forever.

Time to eat! MMMMmmmm.

Girls!

Steph-O and Gretchen's House

Jeffersons

Brother's Bar

Res Life Banquet
Steph and Kyles Rehearsal Dinner

So after spending the last couple of days up here in Peoria with a couple of the girls, really makes me miss everyone. I have not seen Gretchen in over a year until a couple days ago and Steph-O I have seen a few times since I have been down here but it just is not enough. I went from being able to see them everyday in college to know... once in a BIG blue moon. . . Reminiscing about all the good times we had and still adding to them each time we get together... It just makes it so hard to know that I am going to have to leave and drive one way and Gretchen and family the other. Kimmie was unable to come here this weekend which was a big bummer. I haven't seen her in over a year as well. This is one of the disadvantages of growing up and growing apart... it can happen to those we are really close too. Our relationship with each other is to the point that even though we may not see each other for a year... we would still call each other best friends. We would still want them right there at our wedding... probably even a bridesmaid. Those who I consider those really good friends would be Tanya, Heidi, Abby, Gretchen, Kimmie, and Steph-O. Everything will work out though... July 4 everyone is getting together again at Steph-O's house. Gretchen's new man may even be there so I finally get to meet someone of significant importance to her. I am happy that she is happy... if anyone deserves it ... she does... she has been through so much. If her man does come up I will see if Nate wants to come but if her man does not, then I am leaving the boy behind.

I used to bring someone I am dating with me everywhere. It is just like that saying, "Don't leave home without it." Well I have finally gotten over that stage and it feels good. I don't need the person I am with to be with me everywhere. It is nice to go our separate ways and to "breathe" different air. Alot has to do with maturity and trust on my part.

July 12-14 (or something like that) I will fly to MN for She Woman. I am trying to get Abby, Heidi, and Gretchen to come with possibly. I think they would thoroughly enjoy it. This will also give me a chance to spend some more time with my FAVORITE girls and my SISTER!!!!! (I will see my niece too... cant forget about that Lil ham) Well time to crack down on some HW before the rest of the people in the house get up and things get busy. I am going to try and go look at Equinox's today hoping since it is Memorial Day they might have a good sale... wait shoot... it is Sunday... grr... Never mind then. Maybe on Tuesday or Tomorrow I will try in Charleston. Maybe Nate can come with me and give me input. SO I guess that means today's agenda is filled with laying out and getting a tan! Oh so Hard Work! ;)

Flopped...

So last night shortly after I went to bed, I flopped out of bed and smucked my foot. Go figure... "grace". I mean what can I say, I have to live up to the nickname and my most recent on.. Murph. I woke up this morning and it feels pretty bruised. The ache and pain goes a third of the day up my tibia/fibula and down to my toes. Look forward to this just healing normal and I be done with it. I am honestly one of the biggest cluts I know... and the thing is... it doesn't even phase me anymore. Sure I may hurt but I get over it, deal with the pain (sometimes chronic) and move on to the next phase of my life.

Yesterday I was pleasantly surprised with a bouquet of roses for Nate and I's 3 month anniversary (goodness that is such a small number) They were gorgeous!!!


I have tomorrow off and can't wait. It will be lying out and catching some sun. I will do some studying since I start class the next day but I just look forward to getting a tan. I should also probably bring my car in because it is still not sounding right... something is wrong with it... it all needs new tires... ahhhhh I need a new car. I wish money grew on trees (no Tanya... not the kind mom makes and gives to you for christmas... that would not quite cut it) but honestly... what the heck. I also hope to get some more painting done tomorrow and clean my stuff up in the master room... busy busy but oh so relaxing at the same time! Well time for bed and I look forward to sleeping in tomorrow... it will be my one day during the week for the whole summer that I will get to do this because I will have class and work every day... Boo

Night all!!

Turning a New Leaf

So for the last year I have been very guarded with my feelings because I was hurt so bad in my last relationship. I found it easy to keep my wall up and just be friends with everyone. If I did go on a date with someone I would only go on a couple and leave. Now I find myself in a different situation; I find myself without this tall wall built around me and somewhat vulnerable. I brought home Nate last week to meet my family and to just get a way and have a vacation. Prior to him coming home to visit I was unsure whether or not I was still ready to give my all to a relationship.

Well my family and friends think he is wonderful!My mom commented on how mature he is. My sister and him hit it off right away as well. If you did not know us, you would of thought those two were dating. They crack me up when they are together. She couldn't believe how generous he was. "It is nice to know there are still a few good men out there" was one of her comments. My friend Abby and him got along really good as well. Just seeing the interaction between them opened my eyes up and put me at a whole new comfort level with him. Knowing that my family seems to really approve of him and have a great amount of respect for him really means alot to me. I did alot talking with my family about him and everyone had nothing but nice things to say... they did not appear apprehensive. My family really stressed to me that I need to let my guard and let him in before I never get the chance period.

Not only that, someone said something to me that really hit home. "Love like you have never been hurt." Now for those of you who don't know me, that is something that is hard to do but I have come to a point in my life where if I don't take a chance... then I will never know. Now I am not saying I am in love or anything that mushy... but I actually feel that I am safe to let my guard down and see where things go between us. New step in my life... slow and steady... steady and slow... that is the way to go!

Nate and I at his family pictures

At Benihanas in the Twin Cities

Well I need to start working on some home work for class next week... I think I did enough mushy mushy in this to last a while. Easiest to get it done now since Nate is working for two days straight (48 hrs). Night all!

So I am back in IL again. I went home last week to visit family and spend some time with my mom for Mother's Day. The trip flew by so fast but I got to see alot of people I have not seen in while. Monday night I spent the night in Peoria visiting Steph and Kyle. I spent time with my sister and we had an entertaining Tuesday night. Lets just say one of us sisters was pretty "lit" (and it wasn't me) and we were in bed by midnight. She made Nate get in different poses and this is one of them. It was a very entertaining night.

`

Wednesday night I went to the cities and ate at Benihanas with Travis, Ug, Abby, and Nate and then went to Abby's house for the night. Abby and I ganged up on Nate during our pillow fight and kicked his tush. It was just like the good ole times between us to girls.

Nate is scared of the pillow... BABY!!!

Thursday was a low key day. Went to MOA and did LOTS of shopping! Yay. I love buying new clothes. Later that evening we had dinner and we went to my brother's softball game and saw the movie "Maid of Honor". It was cute. Friday I watched Hunter for a couple hours and test drove a G6 since my car in not acting quite right still ... even though I just put an engine in it. Friday night we went out to the bars and visited with everyone. Saturday I spent all day with Hunter. My how she has grown so much in the last couple months since I have seen her. Her vocabulary is forever expanding and extremely smart. Sunday was a day for Mom and it was nice to catch up with her.

So I filed my court papers today and I have court on June 5th against my old landlord who had bed bugs in the apartment I moved into. I added up all the expences and it comes to over $4000.00. Wow that is alot... well I wanted to write more but it has already taken me a few hours to write this much and need to get to bed!

Pushing Through and Being Successful!

Wow, life has been crazy busy over the last couple of days. I feel as if I have a sense of accomplishment though. I took my last final on Friday for Interactional Dynamics. I think I did pretty good and overall for the semester, my GPA will either be a 3.6 or a 4.0. No one would understand how good it feels to have those good of grades after everything I have went through this last semester. I do not mean this in a cocky way, but I am actually proud of myself for my accomplishment. I feel that I have proved to myself that no matter how difficult life gets, I have the strength to over come it and still be successful. A few semesters ago, I was not so proud of myself because I could not juggle the troubles that stare me in the face and my school work and hence, my school work suffered. I became so lost in all my troubles and could not get on the path to success until I made some changes... weeding out the bad and bringing on any challenge that dare lie in my path and try to challenge me that I could not overcome. I made a promise to myself afterward that I would never let anyone or anything get in my way and I am going to keep that promise. Nothing in my life is more important to me than my education because that will affect me for the rest of my life. That is my dream and anyone or anything that tries to get in the way of it, are not a necessity in my life. I WILL PREVAIL.

I believe that the events in my life is what gives me my sense of confidence. They have shaped who I am but at the same time, given me a chance to experience things in life... good and bad. The good has a lot to do with my family and their solid structure. Yeah any family has its flaws, but it is the overall strength and support of each other that gives me a complete sense of comfort. If my sister, Tanya, and I are arguing or if mom is just being too picky and making me mad, I still know that they will be there for me, and I for them. We will make up and get over it... in the long run it makes us stronger and will build a stronger sense of understanding of the other person. As the saying goes, "Everything happens for a reason," and I, along with my sister, firmly believe in that. Anyways, my family is the best thing that ever happened to me. I can say whole heartily and honestly that they are my everything. Yeah I may not call everyday and talk with them but they are always in my heart.

THE BEST PERSON IN MY LIFE... MY SISTER AND I

Mom and I

So getting back on track, the bad... well the bad I will not be specific but I have been faced with a number of bad events in my life but feel I have learned so much. I am a firm believer that if you can make the best out of a bad situation and learn from it, then it can be made into a positive event. At first it may be hard to see the good that comes from such a horrible situation but it is there... I promise. It took me a while to see that in the bad and I am still figuring out how I can make good out of some of the bad in my life ... but it is there... I just need to keep digging and I will find it. All the bad that has happened in my life is how I came up with the title to my BLOG profile.

All the good and bad stated above has given me my confidence... it has guided me to be who I am today. I can say that I have changed so much and am a much different person today and who I was two years ago. Two years ago I was a very different person than what I was two years prior to that. I do a lot of reflection in my life and can see how I have grown over the years... again it feels like a sense of accomplishment! I am comfortable in my skin and it shows because I AM NOT SCARED TO BE ... OR BE JUST ME!!

Well I better get packing because I leave for MN tomorrow and can't wait to see everyone ... :)

OOOooooddddllleeesss TO DO!

So wake up this morning almost in tears... my sciatic nerve hurts more than ever and Nate takes a few minutes to rub it. Good golly miss molly, why the heck does this hurt so much? Completely ready for the pain to go away... hopefully before I go to MN to be with family...

I get home today after I get off work and look around... holy crap our house is a mess. There is so much stuff that needs to get done yet I don't have enough time to do it by myself and Nate has class so he doesn't have the time to do it. Is this what it will be like when I get my own house someday... you can clean and clean and clean but everytime you turn around, something has to be done and you feel like the work is never ending. Despite the sciatic nerve pain I hope to clean the bathrooms, finish the trim in my room, fill in the nail holes in the trim, do some laundry, get my FAFSA done for school, water the grass, study for my final test tomorrow, work on my last assignment for school, apply for school at Lakeland college so I can take that last English class and start packing for MN(which I leave Monday night and will drive half way and get there Tuesday). So in other words, A SHIT LOAD! Nate's family is coming over on Saturday for his birthday and I really want the house to look presentable for them. He works over night tonight so it will be a time crunch but we will see. I am excited to see the finished product of my room when I am done because I am trying the crackle technique on the walls.

Well I best get to it so I have enough time to get it all done... not a moment to waist! Toodles!!!

OOOwwww WWWeeee

For some odd reason today I HURT. I feel as if my sciatic nerve in my lower back is pinched and causing extreme pain. This is not a little ache I get when I have my menstraul period, but a sharp, debilitating pain on the left side of my lower back. Then at work today, I smashed my thumb into a 5 gallon shaker and took a chunk out of my thumb. Back home, everyone calls me "Grace" because I am always getting hurt, and I am beginning to believe it. On top of that, I have a chronic pain in my hip and something is out of wack with my shoulder... oh the day to feel 100% and young instead of hurting and 55.

So on Monday we had a meeting at work and it gave me a chance to vent my frustration. It is a touchy subject for me to discuss what has been bothering me since I just transferred to this store when I moved here. Let me inform you, back home when I worked in Winona, the stwore was very organized and we had a system down so everyone knew what was going on. Down here, my boss randomly leaves to go take a nap and will come back three hours later. I never know what is going on because they do not have any routine to the store. At times, I feel no one helps do the work and my boss is an exception to having to do anything in the store. So, with that in mind, I layed everything out on the line. I told my boss that I think he needs to step it up in helping out around the store and he needs to clean up after himself. He turns to me and say, "I am the manager and that is what everyone else is for." ARE YOU KIDDING ME!?!?!? I wanted to tell him to go screw himself but instead I told him that he can't run a business with the idea in mind that he is higher up than us and an exception to having to do work around here. He can't sit here and call a staff meeting telling us we need to work together more but then in the same statement tell us that he does not count in this and is an exception to the rule. I layed into him and told him he would not have so much work if he wouldnt go home and take a nap for 3 hours in the middle of the day. OOOhhhh I was fuming. After I got done stating my point he looks at me and says, "You're right." I thinking , what... did I just hear you correctly? He admitted to taking advantage of me to an extent and told me he would step it up on his part. He also told me he knows I can do so much on my own that he looks forward to the days I work so he doesn't have to be around... um... wrong because that should be the time he can take the time to make sure he has taken care of everything... in other words dotted all his I's and crossed all his T's. Anyways... so I got to work today and sure enough he was completely different. It felt good to actually be appreciated for everything I do. The store ran smoothly and I was a happy camper!!

Moving on, yesterday I got some words of encouragement. I had a meeting with my teaching to discuss how I did this semster in my OB clinicals. She looks at me when I sit down and says, "You are Truely Amazing. I have not said this to anyone else but the way you present yourself and carry yourself Lindsey, I see you being someone big in the future if you play all your cards right. Someone who, if they wanted, could be the CEO of a hospital someday." Those words felt like music to my ear. After all my hard work this semester and everything I have went through I got some amazing words of encouragement.

On Sunday I went to church and the preacher (father, priest or whatever the name is that he is called) Dr. Lou is his name turns to me after having his back to me and introduces himself to me. At that moment in time I felt like I got a smack to the face. Dr. Lou looks just like Uncle Frank who died a few years back. I thought I would have been able to handle the situation as if it was no big deal but then I sat there in church, doing everything I could to hold back the tears because I realized just how badly I miss him... how much I want him to still be around and be the "big teddy bear" of the family. I still do not understand why he was choosen to be the one who had to help "the Lord." He was the first family member to die during my first year away at college and I had no idea how to handle that back then and I am still learning to this day how to deal with those type of emotions when someone close to me has died. I still have flashbacks all the time of what he looked like the last time I saw him alive, skinny and bony. This is completely unlike the "big teddy bear" I have known my whole life up til that time. When I go back home in a week, I will need to take some time and stop by his grave so we can have a "chat"... for me to just vent and ... well... just be.

Well, time for me to get to bed... I am exhausted and I am hoping this detrimental pain in my lower back will not keep me up all night! I have an early morning tomorrow because I have to be up and in Mattoon to work at 7:30.

The End of the Beginning... Pushing Forward!

So everyone around me has this blogger so I thought it may be a good chance for those close to me to have the chance to keep up to date with what is going on in my life. Living so far away from family is difficult at times and I am not the type to just spill my guts to someone, so this gives me the chance to debrief at the end of the day.

I just had my last class for my first semeter of school. Looking back over the past few months I have been through so much and it has been a time of testing my strength and if I can persevere through it all. I have had a lot of time to reflect on the events that have unfolded in my life. When I first moved down here, I found out that the apartment I was inhibiting had bugs (bed bugs) and I was forced to move out and because my apartment was considered unfit. I moved in with my coworker and his family for a month and a half. Chris and his family have been amazing throughout this all. Shortly after moving there, I tore something in my shoulder and had to wear a sling for about a week. I will be going home next week and I will have to get it checked out because it still is bothering me. After that, the engine in my car blew and I had to fork out $3000 to get that fixed. In March I moved to Charleston, IL and things seem to be settling down. Meanwhile, I had been trying to maintain my grades for school and stay focused on what was important.

You know, reflecting back on this semester, it has been a time of trials and troubles but in the long run, I feel it has been a time for me to test myself and my perseverence. I feel after everything I have been through, I am so much stronger and can get through anything. Even though I have been through so much this semester, the one thing that was continually going through my head was "there are people out there some where who are much more worse off than I am." For the most part, I have been healthy and so has my family... and those are irreplacable. My parents have been there for me in so many more ways than what I ever expected... finacially, emotionally, and mentally. They have made this semester possible for me. My sister has been my shoulder throughout the semester. She is my rock and I look up to her so much. She gives me so much strength and unfortunately, she will never understand just how much of an influence she is on my life. The strength she has is unbelievable and I have so much respect for her! She is a wonderful MOTHER, SISTER, FRIEND, and DAUGHTER